Killing butterflies

This is one of the first poems I wrote when I picked up writing again in November last year. I was at the very beginning of the process of coming to terms with my sexuality. I predominantly felt shame and confusion. This poem touches on some experiences from my past that I would not give the same meaning to today, but I wanted to leave its authentic original meaning.
It is one of my favorite poems I’ve ever written, as the act of writing it, and telling myself the truth I had been holding back for so long was a cathartic experience.

I tried so hard to unsee it
It started long ago
When I looked too long for my own good
I tried to avert my eyes
To look away
But after that, I could never be straight again

You held me tightly
In a way that I felt wasn’t allowed
Do you still think about it sometimes?
Does your brain take you back to this moment, late at night,
and then do you wonder about me, and whether I felt it too?
Because I did, and I do, and I still remember
Because after that
I could never be straight again

I thought I could convince myself
I thought if I tried hard enough to look away
It would disappear

I thought I would never be able to love
I thought I was broken
It just never came
The feeling they talk about in love songs
The butterflies
I didn’t know I had shoved them all in a jar, and put it in a closet and locked it and thrown away the key
I didn’t know that because
Of course I would always be straight

And then I felt them
The butterflies
And it was for a boy
And so it was all right
And maybe I could be straight again

But still I kept looking too long
Still I kept looking too intently
So ashamed
I hid inside myself
Because I knew deep down
That I would never really be straight

When the butterflies were on the verge of dying off someone came
Took my hand and
Showed me that there is nothing wrong
With never being straight at all

And then I felt them once more
The butterflies
And it wasn’t for a boy
And it didn’t feel right, but also it did
And then I wasn’t straight anymore

I tried to close back the jar
I tried to hold them down
The butterflies
But still they kept flying
And I couldn’t catch them all
Because there is no stopping the butterflies
Only waiting for them to pass
And so I will never be straight again

I am not killing butterflies anytime soon
Because holding that jar closed
Takes all the energy that I have

Because I want to live to my fullest
And I need both of my hands to do that

I want to feel their wings brushing my cheeks as I blush
I want to see them dance in the sun when I hold my lover’s hand
I want to feel them hugging my heart when it is about to crack wide open
I don’t want to dim the colors of my heart ever again

Of course I know that there will still be days
When I will be tempted to look away
When I will want to hide
But even then I know
That I will never be straight again